Lately I've been realizing how much I betray myself in my pursuit of relationships. I always go about it the wrong way, either jumping into them with a complete desperation (born out of my fear that I am the only person I know, my age, who has yet to date someone for an entire year) or playing hot and cold with someone I feel only lukewarm about until the tepidness makes me lose interest somewhere in the second week. Hell, my little sister is 18 and has been dating her boyfriend for over a year. It's like I missed that boat in high school or fell asleep during the class where they taught you how to catch and keep a guy that's appropriate to your temperment.
It sucks because Ive met a lot of amazing men in my life, had relationships with most of them, and screwed it up with a lot of them. There are several (and by that I mean four, or possibly three, or even more likely, two) men that I have actually been involved with and loved, though the fact that I can't really put a count on it should tell you how fucking flaky I am. I think its easier to say that three men I have dated have loved me, and in two of those cases I completely took it for granted. In one of those cases I was more of a stalker than a girlfriend, and in one of those cases im still not sure if what i feel for that person is love or just a sense that talking to him is like coming home. Homecoming. There's no way else to describe it. But maybe real love is JUST this sense of finding in someone else just this complete peace- this thing you can recognize as familiar and comfortable.
In the end that is what I am looking for- familiar and comfortable and funny. Like Jon Benjamin's voice. Ha, its weird but when I hear Jon Benjamin's voice in like, any capacity, that's immediatly what I think about. How I want someone to sound like that, and how I could love someone who talks in that voice even if they were totally weird looking and bald as he is.
Weird. Im a weirdo.
But in terms of the spectrum that Im always going on about, I think Im moving away from the dark, stubbled, cynical House thing and towards something that feels a little more like home. A little more soft (hey its not like my hipbones jut out anymore these days anyway), a little less mean, but still weird and funny and just....home. I want home.
Aw, fuck it. I'm just ruminating because I have a date tommorow and Im scared because Im more lookingforward to begging Jared to let me sleep at his place tonight so I can sleep on an air-matress in a room with AC and talk about my new weird obsession with Brecken Myer. Seriously, first Jeremy Sisto, now Brecken Myer, and Paul Rudd has always been a favorite..........pretty soon I will have to start liking Chocolate Bear from Scrubs because that is the only Clueless character left.