Monday, May 25, 2009

Gimmie Dem Puppies, or, Happy Birthday!

This dude at Hipster Beach (aka McCarren Park) was selling like, 20 Shitzu puppies today. It was my birthday. I deserved a dog. Alas, it was not to be, as I am too poor to feed myself, let alone sustain another human being. But at least now I have something to strive for?

PS- I feel OLD.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Holler back internet

I guess the reason I haven't been posting on here that much recently is that now that I am a VIB (very important blogger) the standards have been raised as to what caliber of new york socialite celebrity gossip I can write about. Blee bloo blah. But then I remembered this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want, and post whatever videos I want of whatever kind of cats being adorable in a variety of scenarios.

Which is to say, I'm back, but I can't think of anything worthwhile to write about at 5 am on Saturday morning that I haven't already updated my Twitter about.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Spoiler Alert??

What the FUCK Mr. Garrity?!?

Give Me Money

Hey, do you think I'm clever? Good at writing? I make jokes good? So do some other people! Unfortunately, none of those people are super rich or in a position to help me out. Times are getting desperate, so I want you to give me money. It's easy! Just go to Paypal and send some funds to Depending on how much money you send, and what kind of funny thing you want me to write for you, I will send you back your own personal piece of writing that one day could be worth up to one zillion space dollars. We good? Awesome. Remember: Paypal. Thanks guys.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Greg Daniels, You Son of a Bitch

Two weeks ago I brought back the amazing Paul Simon/Chevy Chase video for "You Can Call Me Al." And then they referenced it on The Office this week? Fuuuuuck that.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Me and My Dad Insert Zombies Into Famous Novels

Dad: Here's my entry.
A screaming comes across the sky. The evacuation has begun but it is all theater. Because everyone is a Zombie.
Gravity's Zombie

me: ah
a slow, shambling evacuation has begun.
Okay i got one
In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had. Also, they will eat you."

Dad: Why do you drink ? Because I am thirsty
Why don't you drink ? Because I am a Zombie

: "I left in a French steamer, and she called in every blamed port they have out there, for, as far as I could see, the sole purpose of landing soldiers and custom-house officers. I watched the coast. Watching a coast as it slips by the ship is like thinking about an enigma. There it is before you-- smiling, frowning, inviting, grand, mean, insipid, or savage, and always hungry. Hungry for brains.

me: Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, his brains were eaten.
my friend just did that

Dad: Good night room
Good night moon
Grood bye brains

Me: 'When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. 'Graaaaah,' said Samsa, 'argggghhh.'

Dad: nope. Can't tell if he is a zombie or a pirate

Me:It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. But not for Zombies. They're pretty much oblivious to that sort of thing.

Dad: Now, tonight, Zombify the Haggadah.
Why is this night different from all other nights. On all other nights we eat all manner of food but tonight we only eat brains.