Monday, August 13, 2007

I remember London Fields:

Dec. 8th, 2004:
Only a week left and we are all on our best behavior. I think everyone realizes that now is not the time to hold grudges. I have been feeling impressively optimistic, especially about going home and seeing all my friends. I know I've bitched a lot about London, but I have loved it here, and its definately been a "learning experience"- whatever the fuck that means. And it was so much better for me than Oberlin would have been this semester. I know I am going to miss going out and getting cheap pints and subway and watching the simpsons with Max. I know Im going to miss goofing off in class because Carol Lassar and I operate on the same "hyper crazy freakout" method. I don't think I will miss the stuff with Emily, since we will have a house to ourselves next semester and it will only get better, but I will certainly miss going to Gino's every morning for our two stuffed rolls and coffee. I will miss seeing great theatre twice a week, miss taking the tube to classes, miss the flats. I know I havent really connected with everyone here, and a few people I did connect with until to disconnect only to reconnect, only to redisconnect. But c'est la vie. I will miss Flat 3, the unexpected bonus group of the trip, who I totally underestimated the coolness of until I took a bath with them. I will miss getting grades of check, check plus, and feeling like I'm in middle school. I will miss the clubs and the atmosphere and Camden, and being a super VIP slut with Montana. I will miss Ben getting schooled every class by Carol :-) I will even miss Leah, or more appropriately, I will miss drunk Leah, because sometimes we actually do connect in this very strange way that makes me wonder if we were siblings in another life. I will miss Croque Monsier and rolled cigarettes and drinking every night. I will miss baguettes with butter, baguettes with cheese, baguettes with eggs. I will really miss the baguettes, and the great coffee. I will miss watching the same cartoons over and over because emily only downloaded a couple before she came here (although I can now quote these two home movie episodes from beginning to end).
But I WONT miss:
awkward class time I cannot escape because classmates are the only people we see, ever. I will not miss feeling like I am constantly being stared at and judged. I will not miss bitchy lightbulb fights or feeling like I have to hide out in my room because a certain boy is over at our flat. I won't miss the long Danenburg lectures, or only getting a 15 minute break between 3 hours class. I won't miss thursday afternoons, which are the worst, or being forced to go on field trips when I'd rather be home. I wont miss the overcast weather or being too poor to afford food. I wont miss not having more than 3-4 friends at any given time. I wont miss not doing drugs and hooking up with random cute guys because I only know about 8 males. I might miss bad british television, jury is still out on that one.
Barcelona is less than 24 hours. We are going to drink absynthe. My parents both know about suicidegirls now, and they are taking it rather well.

I know I'm a super navel-gazer, but really my livejournal from that period reads like a PSYCHOPATHS.
I can't imagine pulling any of that shit anymore. It's like; do you remember something really embarrassing you did as a kid? Like so shameful that you still cringe every time you think about it even though obviously it was forever ago and you are the only one that still cares? That was like my entire college career. I'm sure I did some nice, pleasant, helpful things in college, I just seem to remember all the shitty, pathetic, attention-whoring things I did even more.
Sorry this post is not my usual format, Im just feeling really embarrassed today. I wonder if Jared would still like me if he saw first-hand how awful I was, how petty and shallow. I am. I was. I dunno.

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