Monday, May 28, 2007

The big 2-3 and why you should never go with friends to hippie festivals (a review)

During my birthday I won a fish named Goldie and ate funnel cake and went to cheap shots with Myra, Karelisa, and Ronen and then got too drunk and left before anyone else showed up. Although Ben called me at 12:04 which is nice because it means he was thinking about my bday right when it happened. I think today is Ben's birthday but I am too busy FREAKING OUT OVER MY NEWLY DEVEOLOPED FEAR OF GERMS AND HIPPIES AND TOUCHING AND NECROTIZED FLESH DISEASES.
Or: another birthday weekend spent at PDF.
This year was interesting, cuz I havent gone since sophmore year, and some people recognized me and were like "you used to be a lot nicer, right?"
\Pretty much. Seriously- I love my friends and had a great time with them, but never again am I going to go to a place where its like blistering outside all day, just so when i finally get to sleep in a hammock in one of the camps, I can have THIS DUDE come up and like, paint my legs and thighs so I look like some cross between the first five minutes of Carrie and the last five of The Descent.
There were flies everywhere and for some reason even though it was supposed to be a peaceful festival and all (one of those burning man offshoots) I couldnt help think how post-apoloclyptic the whole thing seemed; the heat, the bugs, the Vietnam Vets who owned the land blasting around kicking up sand in their motorcycles and ATV's, the FLESH EATING ZOMBIE VIRUS THAT MADE THIS HOME ITS FEASTING GROUNDS. We'll get to that in a bit.
DId you know:
ringworms can crawl up your feet if your barefoot in mud? Its a fact, you unwashed naked old fat dude whose making me trip out thinking about how the human body is ENTIRELY composed of the soft underbelly and vulnerable spots that most other animals have maybe one or two of. Seriously, I hung out with a comodo dragon, than watched people do naked slip and slide. It's incredible how we made it to the top of the food chain when reptiles are so streamlined and efficient and we are just walking, jiggling, bags of meat. Whoo. Yeaa buddy, I can see how these cesstivals get turned into roman orgies so quickly.
So ringworms? Check.
Then there's the shit you see in movies?
Cabin Fever (i drank all my own water and refused to bathe or touch Jacob's FLESH EATING HAND WOUND OH MY GOD WTF)
Night of the Living Dead
These are just the ones off the top of my head as I was walking around. I dunno, it was very World War Z and I was cranky cuz there was no shade and yea sure you can get wasted if you like being dehydrated at three pm on a day that's 104 out. It's just....encampentments of people. Not my thing. Especially hippie camps because I think I realized I embody the anti burning man sensibility:
I do not want you to touch me
I do not want you to talk to me
I do not want a hug (rule one)
I dont want you to body paint me so I look like like Laura Palmer's corpse (although it WAS hysterical to go running up to Gail and go "I think Im catching whatever Jacob has! There's an ACID BURN IN THE WATER!" Omg, priceless.)
I do not want to mate in a tent that is slowly filling up with water because it like NAM out there with all the rain and storms on the last night and I am covered in greasy body paint and there is MUD SMEARED ON MY ASS AND OH OH MY SWEET JESUS....
So it goes.
Oh! Yea, I guess I did get one thing accomplished! I read Breakfast of Champions again, whose alternate title is GBM and a lot of people there were from Bushwick (weird) and this little girl gave me a "kitty cat face paint" that just ended up with me in BLACKFACE and oh my god are you getting the picture?
HOWEVER: Runnning into Dru Haxbt and Heather was awesome and it was a fun game of catch-up, "oh so how have you been for the last 8 years since WE FUCKING EXPANDED YOUR MIND, BITCH" so that was cool and I spent the last day entirely with them and hey! Dru lives in Bushwick and is really cool and I am seriously waiting with fingers crossed for him to email me back. He looks like a young Hugh Laurie but I swear to god he mumbles about 70 percent of the things he says so I just catch snippets of our actual conversation and it takes me a couple minutes to fill in the blanks.
When the storm hit we were all on this meadow with Rasp and a sheet of acid and WOW that was some fucking storm. We went into the tent and decided to text Jamie our obituary and memorial requests since we weren't going to make it through the night. I think mine had something to do with being better at Scrabble than anyone.
Oh man? Did I mention Andrew Hobby's fucking turrette's yet? Every night he'd steal Paul's megaphone and start running around the camps going "christmas party 1985 motherfuckers! We have fax machines and secretaries asses and they can't photocopy themselves!!!"
Paul dressed up like peter pan and I swear to god there was this one moment where I had a flash where he looked exactly like Joaquin Phoenix and I was begging him to pee on me. He kept shouting into the megaphone "i wont pee on drew!" and throwing cups of beer at my head.

All in all...Im glad Im never going camping, ever again.

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