Ways in which I'm being more productive on my busride to hell (the roads are slick with good intentions!)

1. Watch Araki's "Mysterious Skin" with a fifteen year old latino boy with his dead sister's name tattooed on his forearm. Feel absolved because you yell "earmuffs!" whenever someone's getting anally raped and then beaten with a bottle a shampoo in a bathroom.
2. Call all guys you know "doll" or "dollface" in a sweetly condescending tone to promote superiority. As in "thanks, you're a doll" or "could you pick that up for me, dollface?" If trying to be smug, try changing intonation to convey sentiment.
3. Refuse to answer or respond to certain social cues pertaining to Oberlin drama; change subject or make sure mouth is full (easier than biting your tongue). Do not under any circumstances take bait, no matter how tempting it is to trash-talk, because these things spread faster than Emma's throat ghonnerea in Degrassi. If asked point-blank, change subject to how content and happy you are now that you have GRADUATED from college and don't have to deal with that b.s. anymore. If anything, make slight references to bonfires, effigies, re: burning things.
4. Agreeing to dates, plans, allows situation to be taken care of in swift/efficient manner at the present time. There will always be a later period to text with "oops!"
5. Soul-search in the shallow end of the pool. Convince yourself that you really are as two-dimensional as you seem, as long as it makes you appear to be a nicer person. Realize there is a direct correlation between keeping "deep thoughts" to a minimum and leading a happy, productive life.
6. Don't weigh yourself on a scale, rather, judge how you look by how many times you can convince someone to make out with you within ten minutes of them walking into a room, to win a bet. Consider yourself a winner.
7. Cute and neatly wrapped choice phrases are worth three hours of pondering.
8. Give advice to friends about the nature of the "two rings-straight to voicemail" phenomena- namely, consider the kind of people YOU do it to. Reflect. Don't let them cry into your Shirley Temple with vodka.
9. Avoid all Jake Gyllenhall-wannabes with graying hair who claim they are "skateboarders" and "directors with super-eights" because they will later turn out to be lawyers and really really lame and then you will be stuck in conversation with them.
10. Blame people the most for faults you find in yourself: its almost like self-reflection, but without the messiness of guilt!
In short: stay on the surface. don't dive in too deep. Make sure you're checking account stays above your monthly alloted limit.
And above all: to thine own self be true.