Monday, July 14, 2008

Cats hate terrorism too. Coincidence?

Blurgh. I hate posting cat videos.

So I will also post a little bit o' creative writing that I did this weekend, entitled "Chuck Palahniuk gives relationship advice":

Dear Chuck P,

My question is, how do I contain my jealousy over my fiancée sleeping with another dude, even though I know its fair and reasonable and totally within the bounds of our pre-determined agreement?
-Cuckold in Minnesota

Dear Cim,
To distract yourself from an accident, focus on small details. Like how true love can blow just as surely as your Harley's front tire. Too much air, too much build-up, too many late night phone conversations and clandestine meetings in corporate bathrooms and any small amount of applied pressure can make it blow up in your face.
For your information, I was wearing a helmet when I hit the curb. A Shoei RF-1000, yeah yeah, not the prettiest thing to look at, but it meets the Snell Foundations M2000 safety standard. This standard surpasses those set by DOT (U.S. Department of Transportation), ANSI (American National Standards Institute), ASTM (American Society of Testing Materials) and the US Consumer Products Safety Commission. In other words, helmets meeting the Snell standard are about as good as you can get safety-wise.
Still, there is nothing short of God that can protect you when you fly at 120 mph face-first into pavement. Not even Love can save you from having a piece of high-end plastic go through your cornea and embed itself deep within your skull.
Don't worry, Phineas Cage survived, so will you.

As consolation, think: You'll never love someone else as much as you love yourself, even if you don't.
Think: Longevity can only happen when you start with low expectations.
Think: The real tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is if they had lived long enough to get fat and bored with each other.
Dear Chuck P
My boyfriend is way too clingy. I tell him I want to start seeing other people, and suddenly I catch him skulking outside my apartment at five am, taking pictures of the guys that come out. How do I tell him that if he keeps up the behavior, I'm going to have to cut him out of my life entirely, without him getting even more psycho on me?
- Scared of my Ex

Dear SomE,
The mango tree is in the sumac family, with poison ivy as a relative. If the little green plant makes you itch, your body will sense the oleoresin from the mango skin and will make it looks like you have herpes symplex A. Bananas are related to birch trees which can cause an oral allergy that includes itching and swelling in the mouth or throat within one hour after ingestion, which can be fatal if the reaction is bad enough. Birch allergies should also avoid apples, pears, cherries, plums and kiwis. Avacodos, bananas and papaya contain substances called chitinases that are cross-associated with latex allergies.
Just because you think you know what makes you itch doesn't prevent you from getting blind-sighted while eating a fruit salad.
Just like: Some affairs can cause symptoms that will last for years.

Just like: Your reactions will only grow exponentially with each interaction.

Just like: Self-knowledge will avail you nothing at all when it comes to the things you love.

Dear Chuck P
I have real troubles meeting guys. It's not that I'm particularly shy, just sort of what some people might call a "brainiac". How do I find the one right for me?
-Always in Jeapordy

Dear AJ,

What they don't tell you in home ec is the best way to clean the smell of vomit from a leather car's interior is with saddle soap. The best way to get the smell of defecation out of your heirloom rug is with an animal spray called "Nature's Miracle" which uses natural instead of synthetic enzymes to eliminate bacteria, viruses and fungi including canine parvovirus, canine distemper virus, feline leukemia virus, bordetella bronchiseptical (kennel cough) and trichophyton mentagrophytes (ringworm). Oh, it also covers the odor of defecation left by dogs or cats or very scared adult men looking the wrong way down the barrel of a semi-automatic.
If there is one thing that you learn from years of cleaning up other's people's shit is that it never works to try masking a smell. Who wants to smell fake-roses on top of cat urine? Love is the same way.

Same as: Not being able to hide the stink of desperation with Chanel No. 5

Same as: Only being able to stick around as long you know that you're more pathetic than they are.

Same as: Hiding your fear of long-term commitment with promises of longer terms.

Hope this helps.


Perhaps a Parrot said...

This post is awesome! LONG LIVE THE DREW FLESH!!

Perhaps a Parrot said...

I started as a freshmen in college. That would make this my 6th season.