Monday, December 31, 2007

How not to be funny on the internet and still piss your friends off

I always assumed that when I alienate everyone, it will be when I write my best-selling memoirs ala David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs, and manage to piss everyone off with my pithy portrayals of their role in my life. Then, I assumed if it can be done in book form, I can certainly take my abilities of using livejournal and ADD to just make a blogoir, or something. A Tumble-oir? But it turns out its pretty easy to have friends and acquaintances dislike you even if you never write about them, even if they have never read anything you've ever written. Especially if they've never read what passes for your poorly disguised cry for love and attention. How do I manage to pull of this amazing feat of singularity being the most annoying blogger who no-one reads (hint: not due to my bi-monthly pity party)?
Here's a quick guide on how you too can become as obnoxious and redundant as me!

1. Start writing blogs other places because people can't be tricked into going onto your personal site anymore and lets be honest, even your parents don't want to read about your finals or how many TIMARA majors you are currently banging.

2. Send out emails to as many people as you can alerting them that you are, in fact, a valid writer and that they have been getting this shit for free for years now, so many they should be a little more grateful?

3. Start dropping hints in public places and large group settings that you are a very important writer (or VIW) and way funnier than people give you credit for. Supplement this by trying way too hard to be funny in groups of five or more, it helps if you just talk louder than everyone else. You know whats traditionally thought of as funny? Talking about how big your boobs are. But if you're like me, you've been doing all this for years anyway, so now it just helps to have a smug sense of entitlement about it.

Lather, rinse, and repeat until people feel the need to tell you that they are busy every night this week, and every week after that.


Sam said...

"Blog Hard: The Drew Grant Story"

David B. said...

"Farah is always telling me how [internet celebrity] is her friend, but [internet celebrity 2] read my post yesterday and we gChat!"

You're finally going to make me, David Bernstein, hate the internet. Is that what you want? Is that it?