Monday, July 24, 2006

My spunk is to you, manna from heaven

I love finding first drafts of movie scripts. Especially when they are weirder than the movies themselves. Case in point, the original draft of Kaufman's:

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
A Screenplay by Charlie Kaufman INT. CHEERLESS ROOM - DAY The room is bare, dusty. A ceiling fan turns. The wall clock ticks. Craig, 30 years old and small, sits at a collapsible card table. The only item on the table is a book. Craig picks it up, looks at the jacket. It's entitled "Sit." Craig opens the book. It reads: "sit sit sit sit sit..." over and over, page after page. Craig closes the book. He begins to stand, but thinks better of it, sighs. He looks at the book again. It is now entitled "Die." He opens it up. "die die die die die..." A rooster crows.

There's this whole opening segment where Craig dresses in drag for no apparant reason. And Malkovich ends up as a giant devil puppet ruling the world. Who could have thought this film had actually been toned down from the original? Yeesh.
Find it all here suckas.
I guess it should be noted that this film always goes in my top five favorite list of all time. From the first review I ever heard (my parents: Uh....it was about puppets? We think?) to the first viewing with Chris, Pam, and Miranda (I remember someone saying it was the best lesbian romance ever screened), to it being a major selling point of my first college boyfriend (thus setting the stage for those to come: MUST LOVE MALKOVICH OVER ETERNAL SUNSHINE OR ADAPTATION, YOU POMO PUSSIES!), Being John Malkovich has basically shaped my entire (young) adult existence. Thus making it impossible for me to watch a Katherine Keener film (say, 40 year old virgin) without thinking that any second she is going to revert back to a heinous bitch. Wait, strike that, she was GREAT in 40 year virgin and totally charming and not a cunt. Very sweet.
Which brings me to my next question: What the fuck is up with John Cusack. He's never been married right? Is he gay? WTF? I really like what Chuck Klosterman said in his first essay from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs; about the real detriment to American Romance has been the John Cusack phenomenon of women thinking that their best male friend, aka the "boy next door" is neccesarily the best guy for them. Sometimes platonic friendships should stay platonic friendships, despite what "When Harry met Sally" tells us. Sometimes its better to hook up with the hot asshole then the cute dweeb thats always there for you. At least then when you break up, you don't disrupt your whole social schema.
But I digress:

Why hasn't John Cusack EVER been married? Who has he even been romantically linked to (according to IMDB: Neve Campbell, Minnie Driver, Claire Forlani...but have you ever heard ANY celebrity gossip about them? NO!) He managed to ascend from teen hottie (better of dead, say anything, etc) to young adult hottie (gross pointe blank, bullets over broadway) to older guy hottie (High Fidelity,Pushing Tin, debatebly Being John Malkovich) with relative ease, but what? Are we still going to assume he's straight when he's 60 years old and playing the romantic interest of Mary Kate in some December-May romance ala Woody Allen?
Jeesus. It makes me angry. I want you, John Cusack, along with the majority of straight women in the Western World. If you are homosexual, will you please just come out and say it instead of jerking us around with this confirmed bachelor bullshit. If you are one of those liberal weirdies who don't believe in marriage (i'm looking at you, Mr. Sarandon, oops excuse me....Mr. Tim "Im so pussy-whipped I have gash marks" Robbins) at least shack up with someone and have her pop out a couple so the rest of us can get on with our lives. Even better, get some young (preferably someone just over the 18 year mark) chick pregnant and then split, ala Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, so we can verify that you are an asshole and feel vindicated in our bitterness.
Thank you and goodnight

3 comments:

Spider Girl said...

back off, bitch. he's mine.

lindagrant@comcast.net said...

Very impressive daughter. Mama

steelboy28 said...

Keep up the good work. thnx!
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